“I know you’re not supposed to eat before you go to bed, but I have insomnia, and I’m hungry.”
“I got so loaded for New Year’s Eve I forgot to update my Tumblr account. Where are my priorities?”
(Happy new year, honkies!)
“The guy who cleans my yard barely seemed to be listening when I told him about all the stuff I got for Christmas.”
“I’ve been saying “Peace on Earth, good will towards men, women and transgenders”, but it really messes up the scansion.”
“Global warming has proven incompatible with my preferred temperature for Christmas cheer.”
“I started smoking to be more like Don Draper, and now I have emphysema.”
“My cousin made fun of me because I thought the Arab Spring was a band.”